The Gluttony Ends

I have a sort of ritual that I do every year and it goes a bit like this.  

From the end of summer to after the holiday season I stop caring about anything even remotely related to health.  I eat like a death row inmate and drink like a neighborhood hobo.  If it is deep fried...I gobble it right up.  If it has bacon involved, get out of my way or you may get hurt.  I tend to drink heavily during this time as well normally due to the beloved Steelers run to the playoffs or any other reason that I can think up to get my drunk on.

To my surprise this causes me to gain a bit of weight.  I don't understand why acting this way comes with a penalty, the LORD gave us all of these things to enjoy but yet makes me expand like a marshmallow in the microwave. (If you have never done that give it a try it is REALLY cool and delicious if you wrap it in bacon first)

Well folks the holidays are over and as tradition has it the time has come for me to step on the scale and assess the damage which is exactly what I did on Monday, it went a bit like this......

I got out of bed with the idea of seeing what my starting weight would be this year.  Of course I strip down to nothing, I didn't need that extra underwear weight skewing the results.  I place my feet on this new scale that arrived at our house a couple of months ago close my eyes and exhale (emptying your lungs has to make you lighter right?). I look down and open my eyes.......

HOLY SHIT....This FU*@ing scale must be broken!!!  There is no way that I weight THAT MUCH!!!  I panic and jump off of the scale.  I figure that it is the full bladder that I had at the time that is causing this extremely high number so I hit the bathroom and push myself until my bladder feels like it is physically coming out of my pee-hole.  

Ok back on the scale.....NO CHANGE!!!  WTF!!  I am going back to bed.  Of course going back to bed is not tolerated by my wife or children so I take out my anger by stomping around the house all morning before dragging my obviously fat ass to work.

Great Monday HUH???

Anyway the post-holiday dieting has begun.  Now since I was in my teens I have been able to add and subsequently drop weight very easily.  Now that I am in my mid-thirtys {GASP} I wonder if this remains true.  I guess I will find out over the next couple of months.  

I have developed the unrealistic goal of being able to run a half marathon by summer and for those of you who know me, I am solidly against running of any kind unless it is a sporting event (running is not a sport stop kidding yourself) or something is chasing me with the ability to do me bodily harm.  But alas that is the goal I have made.  I have a plan of attack....

• Drop the initial 15lbs which should be easy or it has been in the past.  Asking my knees or ankles to support my fat ass is just out of the question at my current weight.
• Begin walk /  jogging at regular intervals. (3 days a week)
• Some other sort of cardio activity for the other days of the week taking the seventh day to rest. (resting was good enough for god so why not me?)
• Increase the distance and walk to jogging ratio on a weekly basis until I am running 5 miles around the neighborhood.

This should be easy right??

I will keep posting about my weight loss and progress through-out for your pleasure.  Plus updating my progress will be a motivating factor for me.

I was thinking that I shouldn't post my weight but I am not a chick so ....

Starting weight = 257 (Jan 18)

Current weight  = 250 (Jan 21) 

Encouraging words would be wonderful and you all in one way or another caused me to blow up this way so you owe me!!!!  THAT'S RIGHT...I BLAME YOU ALL FOR THIS!!!  It simply can't be my own fault.

GINGER!!!

While being paid to surf the internet at work I came across this disturbing photo!!!!

Ginger kids for the most part get a bad rap...but HOLY SHIT this has to be the creepiest kid on the face of the earth.  He gives ginger kids a bad name and should be kept in the house 100% of the time or at least until the size of his body catches the size of that giant ginger MELON!!!

BTW...I don't think that I ever properly thanked Nike for this commerical.



THANKS NIKE!!!

Burning Bright

{Summary of how I sum up 50% of my feelings on things...I am still trying to find the words for the other 50%)

"Burning Bright"

Shinedown

I feel like there is no need for conversation

Some questions are better left without a reason

And I would rather reveal myself than my situation

Now and then I consider, my hesitation

The more the light shines through me

I pretend to close my eyes

The more the dark consumes me

I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different

To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence

And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation

Here and now I'll express, my situation

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right

Such a cruel contradiction

I know I cross the lines its not easy to define

I'm born to indecision

There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose

With no particular rhyme or reason

I feel like there is no need for conversation......

Sandwich Sickness

Since I was a very young boy I have had difficulty eating fast food sandwiches be it a burger, gay ass chicken salad, Turkey, etc.  

I can recall like it was yesterday why I behave this way....{flashback bubble}

There I am sitting in a fast food establishment with my mom and brothers I have the "cheer this fucking kid up" meal of your choice which included a cheeseburger, fries, milk and the shittiest toy imaginable.  I grab the burger and bite right into that fucker expecting to  possibly have the first burger orgasm of my life when all of a sudden I feel something pull against my lip whilst withdrawing the patty from my chubby little face.  There it was the longest hair I have ever seen!!  I grab it and begin to pull the hair from my mouth which seems to have my its way all the way down to my stomach in a single strand. After what seems to be 30 seconds of hair extraction I begin to projectile vomit all over the place.  Good Times!!

{/ flashback bubble}

To this very day, each and every sandwich must be inspected by my own hand by each level and eaten completely seperately.  Take off the top bun...check it for items that dont belong, hair (regular or pubic), bugs, spit or whatever I deem shouldn't be there.  After I complete the examination I will then eat that level.  These steps will continue until the meal is completed.  So for a normal burger for example I will eat bun, burger, bun all completely segerated from one another and not because the burger is black and the buns are white. I would be perfectly happy letting the burger ride in the front of the bus...I am not that kind of guy.

Now there are also rules to this madness.

1. Any vegetables that are included with the burger must be eaten with the top bun.
2. All vegetables must be removed examined then repositioned on the bun
3. Cheese (melty or otherwise) must be peeled from the meat and examined, placed back on the burger for consumption
4. Bottom bun (which is my favorite level BTW due to delicious grease that has soaked down from the burger) is ALWAYS eaten last.

This practice seems pretty normal to me but it bothers EVERYONE that I eat with to no end!!!  I am sure that I am not the only person on the face of the earth that eats in this manner due to some childhood issue that developed because their mothers reluctance to cook any fucking thing at all at home.

Am I just insane??

(P.S.  I would rather die a slow and horible death before I would eat rice or soup)

Resolutions for 2010

I can't be the only person on the face of the planet who believes that resolutions for each and every New Year is a load of crap.  I have been practicing this ritual for a decade now and I finally figured it out......THERE IS NO POINT!!

Here is a list of my resolutions for the last 5 years.  They are the same every year which should tell you something.

I resolve to lose 25lbs before summer.  FAILED EVERY YEAR!  I hover around 15 and think...ehh good enough.  I don't got to the pool that often anyway.

I resolve to be a nicer person.  I REALLY try for the month of January but realize I am pretty awesome as is.  How can I improve on perfect?

I resolve to be a better husband.  See above

I resolve to be a more serious person and cut the sarcasm. HAHAHAHAHA....I don't know why I even bother with that one.

I resolve to stop cussing.  I might as well resolve to stop breathing so much.

So this year I resolve to quit making resolutions altogether.  Check back next year to see if I can remember not to do that anymore.  

I have found that as I age my brain and ears don't work together as well as they should.  Someone says to paint the wall green and for some reason my brain decides it heard blue.  It really sucks.  So I really doubt that by this time next year I will remember not to make resolutions so if someone could please remind me that would be great.

Here's to hoping that everyone that I care about will have a joyous and fruitful new year!!!

(Frankly, I could really give two shits about people that I don't know)

Artie Lange -- Poor (funny as hell) douchebag

I learned this morning that one of my favorite comedians Artie Lange attempted to commit suicide by stabbing himself 9 (count 'em) 9 times!!  Now I have been reading some articles that are calling for the Howard Stern fanbase (I am proud to say I am one of them) to stand up supporting him and show understanding for this guy.  I just find myself nauseous just thinking about it.

Let's take a quick look at his life.

• Rich
• Famous
• Funny
• Work-a-holic
• Depressed
• Mental
• Addicted to MANY substances
• Gambling issues
• Perpetual liar
• Obesely over weight

  Ok so there are some negatives to his seemingly wonderful existence on this planet but to use is own terms.... WAAAHHHHH!

Adding attempted suicide to the list of his accomplishments just makes him a stupid douchebag in my book.  Hey life is tough why don't we all just finish spreading the mayo on our 6 layer sandwich and jam the knife in our belly 9 times....that will make everything better!!

Nothing like a permanent solution to a temporary problem!   You don't like your life, change it.  Not many of use have the monetary means of ACTUALLY changing our life but you do!!  Take your substantial cash out of your bank and move to a tropical paradise.....nah....let me just kill myself!  

I do hope he pulls through this and gets his shit together.  Leave the stage....leave the show...and get his head straight.

It's always darkest before the dawn...hopefully baby gorilla's dawn will be coming soon.

A tribute to a man who is "Too Fat to Fish"

AND HERE WE GO

Due to the (my perceived) popular demand of my unusual commentary on Sporting events, poop humor and life lessons I have decided to start this blog.  This will allow you my faithful followers (also my own perception) to read and enjoy my ranting and raving over all things that I find angering, funny, or just crap that pops into my head.


Example:  Why can't we all have integrated bidet's in our toilets?  Do our asses not deserve the unusual pleasure of a  stream of warm water cleaning our nether-regions followed by what I can only describe as the breath of angels drying it?  Is it because of the gay French name?  Could be...I am lobbying for the bidet to be now and forever named the Assdoucher.  With this new descriptive and manly title can we now get one in our house.  Don't get me wrong I do have the fear that my children will be using it as a drinking fountain or stack as many power rangers in the toilet as possible to see if it will shoot them to the ceiling but these are risks that I am willing to take.  


I understand that I owe you all a season ending wrap-up for the Steelers pathetic excuse for a season so stay tuned.