Ask the Expert

It is known in circles far and wide that I have an opinion on EVERYTHING and can wax knowledgeable on ANY TOPIC!!  If I don't really know the answer....I WILL MAKE SHIT UP!  This is a talent in and of itself, but the real trick and what makes me the MASTER is my uncanny ability to it sell it as FACT!! 

For the last couple of months I have been collecting e-mail questions via the link on the top of this blog.  I have weened out the really shitty ones and have decided to respond to two questions that I have deemed worthy of not only my time but the effort it takes me to make up complete lies on these random topics. 


OFF WE GO!!

{Anonymous:  Say there was a Zombie outbreak and your spouse (assuming you have one) has been infected and is about to go Zombie ape-shit on your ass.  Would you have the balls to do what needs to be done or would you just let her eat your face off? }

What a great opening question!!!  Well, we all know that the possibility of a Zombie outbreak is minimal at best but for sake of this discussion we will assume the following:

1. The government has unleashed a bio-weapon that assists in the creation and animation of corpses that are hungry for human flesh....(Why not Whoppers or McNuggets???  They are freaking delicious!!)
2. The corpses can move around and control muscle function without any working vital organs.
3. My wife was infected by some sort of evil scheme that effected Wal-Mart shoppers during the 5am Black Friday sales.  

On a side note....have you ever been to a Wal-Mart on Black Friday at 5am??  That is some scary shit!!  Those folks would make the best Zombies, especially the ones who have been waiting in their cars since 3am!!  I can only assume that is why the government would target such a fine shopping establishment....most folks who are in there at that time are not far from eating each other anyway.

OK, back to the question at hand....I WOULD CHOP HER HEAD RIGHT OFF!!  NO HESITATION!  Sorry dear, but you are a Wal-Mart Zombie and I would have no choice!!  While her Zombie head was still rolling around on the kitchen floor, I would immediately run out to her car (do zombies drive?) and see what kind of awesomeness she bought me from Wal-Mart!!  She is a really good shopper!!

{Slappy: I have noticed that you seem to be a big American football fan.  Now that the superbowl is over, do you think there will be a season next year?  If not, do you think that a real sport like futbol will can take over as the American past time?}

So you have noticed that I am a football fan...you powers of perception are great....let's see if you can remember this.... the word SuperBowl NEEDS TO BE CAPITALIZED!!!  By not using the correct emphasis on the word you are cheapening the sport which is unacceptable on this forum.  I will let it slide this time but don't let it happen again. 

Futbol??  What the hell is that?!?  It sounds like something that the elderly soak their feet in after a 4:30 dinner special at Denny's.  I will assume that you mean soccer and it will NEVER be as popular as American (and the only real) football.  Americans are just too lazy to enjoy a sport where 95% of the time is spent sprinting around a gigantic field.  I get tired just watching that shit. 

If you are a soccer fan in American you will just need to accept that you will never be as mainstream as the other sports in the U.S.  Your running around insanely kicking a ball into a BIG ASS goal will always have a backseat to Olympic Curling...you can't even SEE football from your position in the pecking order.

As far as the CBA (Collective Bargaining Agreement), I am confident of NOTHING!!  Owners are too greedy to give up and the players are too rich and stubborn to give in.  If the Direct TV deal wasn't paying the owners a SHIT LOAD of money with or without football this year there would be a better chance of there being a season this year.  It is just too early to tell.

Responding to e-mails is tiring..plus I had to think about soccer which hurts my head.  I am calling it quits for this week.  If you want to have a question answered make sure to get them submitted here!

My Texas Adventure

So as some of you know I traveled to Fort Worth for the "Big Game" which in itself was a HUGE disappointment.  The Steelers lost and there has been a fog over da' burgh ever since.  I refuse to discuss this topic any further........LET'S GO PENS!!!

Anyway....during my adventure several things came to light about the Dallas area, I will use my favorite thing in the world while blogging.....bullet points and bad language!

• Flying sucks unless you have wings!  I am too large of a human being to be crammed into a kindergarten sized seat for 4 hours and of course another LARGE BEAST of a man had to be sitting next to me!  I think it is some kind of running joke that the airlines have.  If the dude in the seat next to me and I decided to jump up and down I guarantee we could have brought that plane DOWN IN A HURRY!!  Just to add insult to injury I get to turn around and see two 85 lb teenagers sitting in the seats behind us!! American Airlines....GO TO HELL!!!
• Real cowboys exist in Texas!  Hats, chaps, spurs...the full fucking deal!!  One dude even rode his horse to the bar!  He was shooting pool in muddy ass Wranglers (they do still exist...I was wondering how they made money), boots, 10 gallon hat and everything!!!  Some of the visiting chicks found this exciting and decided to talk up this chap until they got down wind of him......WOW!  He smelled like his horse actually SHIT IN HIS POCKET!!!
• If you get a chance to be in the Fort Worth area and would like to be entertained, I suggest a place called Billy Bob's.  It is the largest Honky Tonk in the world (that's right bitches!) and has some of the funniest looking people you have ever seen under a single roof!  They have live bull riding.....LIVE BULL RIDING!!!  Noting quite like getting drunk and rooting for a bull to impale some redneck that is pulling on a rope tied to a bulls testicles!!!  BE WARNED...the women in this establishment are not for the faint of heart...they are BIG AND FORWARD!!!  I was accosted by several women and had to physically run from them to escape, which was pretty easy being they were winded after the first 3 steps!!   My favorite of the trip was a rather large stocky lass telling me that I looked like a certain QB for the Steelers and how she wouldn't mind if I did to her what he was accused of (and not charged I might add) in Georgia.  SCARY SHIT RIGHT THERE!!!!
• I am not what I would call a talkative person when it comes to strangers but it was pointed out to me on this trip that I seem to be speaking to EVERYONE!  THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!!  I really don't like strangers and REALLY dislike talking to them but I seem to be the most approachable person on the planet.  During my 2 days in the area I met dozens of people some famous and some not who all started talking to me or made eye contact that I found just too rude not to acknowledge with a head nod.  I found myself speaking / drinking with all different types of people...Politicians, Sports Figures, prostitutes (I assume), folks with dairy products on their heads.....CRAZY!!! 
• DID YOU KNOW THERE IS A MEXICAN HOOTERS?!?!?  
• Just for the record...Country music, live or recorded....CAN SUCK MY BALLS!!  I don't need to hear about your world of woe!!  Suck it up...write in a journal or something...STOP ASSULTING MY EARS!!!

My BIG FAT Texas Trip was a AWESOME time even if my friends and I passed out at Denny's, my hotel bed had no sheets, my roommate left the shower on after passing out, and I had to listen to Clay Watkins!

One last piece of advise....never eat country fried steak at 3am and then again for breakfast at 10.  At least if you are not 10 paces from a clean bathroom!!!

Oh yeah...Taco Bell won't let you walk through the Drive-Thru at midnight....BASTARDS!!  COME ON I NEED A CHICKEN SOFT TACO!!!

Bringing back the hardware!!!

OK, to my amazement writing this blog does not qualify me to receive a press pass to the SuperBowl.  I for one, think that is utter BULLSHIT!!!

I spend quality seconds of my life thinking about these posts, which is more than I can say for some other "professional" writers.

Anyway, I am off to Arlington this weekend to watch the boys in Black and Gold bring back the hardware!

Wish me luck!!

Not that I am playing or anything....CHRIST, I CAN'T EVEN GET TICKETS TO GO INSIDE!!!  The big game for the Steelers is on Sunday but my date with destiny is Saturday night when I will face the Brazilian steakhouse!!

MEAT ON A STICK....AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!!!! 

Bring it steak bitches....I am going to close your shit down!!!

(I most likely will get the meat sweats from just my second helping and be crying for ice cream to cut the salt...but I have to talk shit right?!?  It's SuperBowl week!!!)




GO STEELERS!!!!