User Manual for the “Fairer” Sex

While spending some quality time online recently, I stumbled upon a book titled “Vaginas: An Owners Manual” and it peaked my interest.  I pondered the possibilities of what that book may contain; is it a twisted guide to explain to the younger generation of females how to utilize their “special” parts to an advantage?  I thought that I may have stumbled upon the holy grail of women’s secrets of man control, but alas it was more or less just as it was advertised, this is your “who-who” and here are the things that are going to happen to it. Here are the names of the first 4 chapters:

1.    “The Standard Equipment” – So some of you have non-standard equipment?  I am confused are there other options available?  Like heated bucket seats and fog free mirrors?

2.    “The Period” – I assume this isn’t about hockey at all or the time that passes between the end of the first quarter of a sporting event and when they go to make their man a sandwich.

3.    “The Gynecologist” – ummm….I suppose this is an introduction to the wonderful world of cold tables with stirrups?

4.    “Maintenance” – Kinda like landscaping?  I really have no idea.

Here is a link to the book if any of you ladies are interested.

http://www.amazon.com/Vaginas-Owners-Dr-Carol-Livoti/dp/1568582951#reader_1568582951

Anyway…all of this got me to thinking about the possibility of creating a book for men written by men explaining the intricate workings of the female mind.  Look, I am 36 years old and have gained some knowledge on the subject and I of course would lean on a panel of like minded men to work out all of the details, but doable in my estimation. 

Listening to my male friends discuss issues that they have with their spouses (if a wife of one of my friends is reading this, I don’t mean YOUR husband) I feel that we all experience about the same issues / joys in dealing with the opposite sex with just subtle variations. Like they say the devil is in the details and these variations a quite simply the details.

I have a working title for this project “Vaginas in the open:  The real truth – A life guide for men by men”. 

Here are a few chapter ideas that I feel we should cover:

1.    Selective process:  Don’t buy drinks for that one and why

2.    It’s the next morning and shit…SHE’S STILL HERE!!

3.    Women are women:  Stick to the devil you know


4.   No means no unless you are married and yes means maybe

5.   Confusion: Get used to it

Now what I need from you guys are idea to keep this freight train rolling!  New title ideas, chapter topics, anything that can be used for this NEEDED publication.  No worries you will remain anonymous unless you would like a writing credit.

First Grade Angst

And so it begins…….A glorious foreshadow of the next 11 years of my life!

As most of you are aware Monday was the first day of school for my eldest offspring.  He really seemed to enjoy his kindergarten experience from last year so I wasn’t too concerned about him entering the full day hell that is the first grade.  The week leading up to the first day were properly advertised as any good parent knows to do to a small child.  Most of us do not have issue with directly lying to a child so telling them that school is AWESOME is not a problem.  He bought it hook, line and sinker and was actually looking forward to going to first grade and all of the AWESOME experiences that he was “told” would happen for him during his advancement of education in the school district.

{random complaint}

Look my boy is 6 years old and he for some reason bleeds Green and White which are the colors of his school district.  How did this happen?  Did he drink the tainted Kool-Aid?  Do they brain wash the children at this place?  I find this incredible….the school district must have the most talented PR folks in the world.  I have lived in this area for almost 4 years now and not a single child or parent (unless they are just bitter and old) dislikes the school for ANY REASON!! 
I am OK with the boy loving his school, I just want to know how they accomplished this feat.  I wonder if their methods can be applied to things like vegetables?!?

{end random complaint}

The day before school starts the wife and boy go to the local sporting goods store (DICKS of course, do any others exist?) to buy new school shoes and all goes well.  The boy was still excited about the next morning when he goes to school.  There was the small issue of the wife not enjoying the type of shoes he decided he couldn’t live without but I assume as parents we will just have to get used to that kind of thing.  9pm rolls around and the boys go to bed….he is still pumped about getting up for school.

The next morning there is suddenly a change of heart….the boy absolutely doesn’t want to go to school let alone get out of bed.  We have to catch the bus at 8:18 sharp….long story short we finally dragged his ass out of bed and started down to the bus stop new backpack, pencils, crayons and glue sticks in tow.  The bus stop is loaded with kids from the neighborhood laughing, playing and simply causing a commotion for such an early hour.  My son is near tears refusing to speak to anyone at the bus stop.  He is glued to my hip…where the hell did this come from??  Several adults at the bus stop attempt to talk to him and he is having nothing to do with it…..(being rude is a pet peeve for me but I let it go in this situation.)  Finally one of his neighborhood buddies shows up at the bus stop and the idea is put fourth that maybe they should sit together.  This seems to be tolerable to the boy.  The bus finally shows up and they board and sit together….he looks out of the bus window at me and suddenly I am hit with the fact that at that very moment my son looks like one of the kids in a refugee camp being forced to travel to a hard labor yard for the day.  That sucked.

So off to work for the day wondering when I will get the call from the nurse that my son needs picked up from school due to some phantom illness or attempting to burn down the school.  This call to my surprise doesn’t happen.  I head home to hear about his first day of school, it must have gone well if he didn’t fake some sort of life threatening disease to go home.  He is kinda smart in that way.

It took a lot to get any type of information out of him about the first day but here is what he enjoyed about his first day in order:

1.    Going home on the bus
2.    Riding to school on the bus
3.    Lunch
4.    Recess
5.    Walking to the class from the bus

Yeah that’s it.  This institution of higher learning that he so loves really needs to step it up if those are the 5 best things about a kids day.  The following follow-up questions were asked:

1.    What did you learn today? – nothing
2.    Did you have any classes like Math? – nope
3.    Who do you sit by in class? – 2 girls, one is nice, I hate the other one.
4.    Is the one you think is nice hot? (my question) – NO DAD!!  I don’t want to talk about it anymore!!

To top off the kids first day he managed to lose his new lunchbox and afternoon snack.

If his days don’t get better this may be the longest 11 years of my life!!!

2 Things

First thing:

So this morning I am taking my normal hour commute into cubicle hell and I notice the tell-tale sign of the Steelers season beginning;  a corporate looking fellow donning a Greg Loydd #95 jersey ever so neatly tucked into his khakis, penny loafers (no socks of course) and a murse (man bag).  Now granted it is VERY early to be wearing a jersey of any kind to what I can only assume is his office, but to be so belligerent in the method of display is inexcusable.  If I were this person’s boss I would have fired him on the spot.  If I were a co-worker of this particular idiot he would most likely have a verbal thrashing unleashed upon him.   Look dude, upgrade to at least a current player and for CHRIST SAKE take the jersey out of your pants!!  You are making us all look like fools.  You deserve a flogging and if you weren’t on the other side of the street I may have just ran your ass down.

This person is a douche bag for making me start my day in a horrible mood.


Second thing:

Over the past 6-9 months my oldest boy (6yrs) has decided that he loves football and wants to play on a team.  Surprisingly, there are actual full contact leagues in our area for kids his age.  I find this to be a bit disturbing as children that small and in the developmental stages of existence shouldn’t really be taking blows to the head.  Fortunately, we found a flag football league run by a church in our area that seems to be a perfect fit.  The boy gets to learn some of the basics of the game and gather a positive experience thus fostering growth within the sport.  Anyway….I took my boy to his evaluation session which consisted of 7 different stations, 4 running, 1 catching on the move and 2 throwing.  The running and throwing went excellent as expected but I suddenly realized that I have never actually thrown a pass to him while he was moving!!  This seemed to disturb my boy for a couple of moments until I explained that this is how the game is played.   He looked me dead in the eye and told me that he would do his best.  (I was proud of my boy at that moment as he is not normally super brave or daring when it comes to these new things).  So there are 2 cones about 7 yards apart that the boys need to run across and try to catch the ball thrown by the “coach”.  My boy is 3rd in line for this drill and seems to be studying how to accomplish this difficult task.  The 1st boy in line is a 3rd grader and catches 4 out of 5 passes thrown to him.  The 2nd boy (2nd grade) get 0 out of 5 and begin to cry, he is swept up by his mommy and taken away (cry baby).  Now it is my boys turn.  He begins to run across the field and the pass is coming right for him, he get his hands up like his daddy taught him when disaster strikes.  The coach had moved up 10 yards closer as the younger boys (mine is in 1st grade) get thrown to from a shorter distance but forgot to take a bit off of the pass.  The “bullet” pass splits my boys hands and cracks him directly in the face!  My boy runs to the other side of the field refusing to cry although you can see the tears swelling and his little chin quivering.  He pauses a moment takes a couple of deep breaths and comes back for pass number 2.  He drops pass 2 -4 but comes up with a great catch on number 5.  The pride felt by his father that day was incredible.  I told him good job after that drill and played it down a bit sending him off to the passing drills.  After doing a wonderful job at the passing skills test, the session was over.  I took him aside and told him just how proud I was of him.  The only thing he had to say to me was that we needed to work on him catching the ball on the move and how happy he was to be playing.

The pride continues. 

I think that this upcoming football season is going to provide great fodder for this blog.  Stay Tuned.

Little Bits of Happiness

I don't know how you all feel but I am the type of person that takes quiet satisfaction in what others could consider to be little things.  Below you will find a "little" list of items that please me.  They are in no specific order and DO NOT take into account those family related actions that bring happiness to anyone involved.

1. The night before vacation - after everything is packed, loaded and ready to roll is there anything better than sitting down in anticipation of the big vacation on the horizon?

2. Watching cartoons with kids - what can make a person happier in a moment then when a 6 year old is laughing at the same mindless TV show that you are?

3. Arriving to a party and having people stop talking and seem excited that you have arrived - this happened to me once and it felt nice enough to make my list.

4. Being welcomed \ attacked by children when you come home - it doesn't even have to be your own.

5. Daytime Silence - rare for me but it has been attained....blissful.

6. Going barefoot in GOOD grass - a good patch of grass is hard to find but if you do I fully recommend this activity.

7. Quality morning stretch complete with incoherent noises - wonderful way to start your day.

8. A real bearded Santa at the mall - much better than the fake 25 year old with a stick on.

9. Eating things you loved as a kid - I really only do this once a year on my birthday...bowl full of Oreo's in milk..AWESOME!

10. High-Fiving a baby - you rarely find a baby that will leave you hanging...plus they really seem to enjoy it as well.


I could go on and on but I will leave that to you...feel free to leave a comment to add to the list.